Empathy

​Teaching in Chicago

While working on my PhD, I taught 8th-grade math in Chicago. I read a paper by Eileen O’Brien discussing "false empathy," where some white people struggled to connect with the people of color they aimed to help. They believed they were more empathetic than they actually were, leading to frustration and strained relationships.

This made me think about my white colleagues and their struggles to connect with Black students. I saw Black boys, who needed more care, mislabeled as disengaged. Teachers often saw only what was visible—like a student refusing to remove headphones—without understanding the reasons behind it. True empathy requires both seeing and understanding.

False Empathy

False empathy is thinking you know someone’s problems better than they do, rushing to help without fully understanding, or acting based on your perspective rather than theirs. It’s ego-driven and can do more harm than good. Real empathy requires stopping, observing, and listening with humility. It involves perspective-taking—adopting others’ viewpoints to better understand their experiences.

Empathy is an ongoing journey, much like getting a new prescription for glasses. Just as our eyes evolve over time, so must our empathy. We need to ensure we're seeing with the right lenses so our actions truly help and support others. So next time you want to help, make sure you're seeing with the right eyes.

​Practicing Empathy

Directions: Pick one of the exercises below. You will complete it now or write a plan of how you will complete it later.

Exercise #1: Strengthen Your Self-Compassion

Reflect on a personal struggle and how you’d respond if a friend had the same issue. Notice the difference in kindness between how you treat yourself and others. Building self-compassion increases your capacity for empathy.

Now: Write down a problem that you have and then write down the help or response you would give a friend who had the same problem.

Exercise #2: Spend Kindness on Others

During a stressful day, perform a small act of kindness—send a supportive message, pick up coffee for someone, or help a neighbor. These small gestures can be surprisingly energizing and show that empathy isn’t just about big gestures, but daily habits.

Now: Send a text message offering support, praise, a compliment, or encouragement to someone you know is having a hard time.

Later: Make a plan of how you could help someone in a small way. Buy them their favorite drink, do the dishes without being asked, play a game with a younger brother or sister. Or anything else you can think of.

Exercise #3: Disagree Without Debating

Engage in a conversation with someone you disagree with. Instead of debating, share how you formed your opinion and listen to theirs. This exercise demonstrates that you can disagree with someone without seeing them as an enemy, fostering understanding rather than conflict.

Later: Talk with someone you disagree with. Maybe one of your parents about a rule you do not agree with. Explain your opinion of the rule and how you came to that opinion. Then ask their opinion and how they came to that opinion.

Exercise #4: Use Technology to Connect

Rethink how you use your phone. Instead of mindlessly scrolling, use it to foster real connections—call or text someone instead of just liking a post. This encourages more meaningful digital interactions and helps maintain human connection.

Now: Take 10 minutes and spend time on your phone how you usually do. Before you get off the phone send a text or DM to someone with a positive message rather than a simple like to the post.

Exercise #5: Praise Empathy in Others

Make it a habit to recognize and praise empathic behavior, whether in meetings or daily life. Highlighting kindness helps spread it, creating a culture where empathy is valued and encouraged.

Later: Make a plan to compliment or praise the next person you see who's doing something to help another person or persons.